if i were a bad girl swamp

if I were a bad girl, i'd blow everything and everyone off and spend an extra day/night with SB....

well that's what I did, breaking a date with Will bc I just wanted to lay in SB's arms

and maybe I was being passive aggressive with Will cuz I'm ANGRY that he's put me in a position where I feel responsible for his future. knowing that our conversation is going to be heavy, I wanted to wait till i was less jet lagged

and

I also swamp I got super triggered with SB Wed nite and was having a melt down and crying in the middle of the night feeling old rejection stuff that wasn't even real

but it did clear some stuff btn us, which led to some epic morning sex which lead to me canceling on Will...

I swamp having friends coming to stay tonite and tomorrow, I swamp concert tickets and advance plans

I swamp 4th of july and how compartmentalized my friend groups are. I swamp I can't hang out with Will AND SB.

I swamp Will's hyper sensitivity and how I am yet again trying to take care of a man's feelings

I swamp asking for what I want and getting backlash

I swamp I am clear on what I can do and not do for him money-wise and I swamp the universe raising the stakes and making me have to have this challenging conversation

I swamp the fear of being abandoned

I swamp how deep this runs in me, the desire to rescue, but also the feeling that I'm supposed to do this for people I love, and then then deeper layer of If I don't pay, they'll leave

I swamp jet lag and being up at 5am

I swamp getting a text from Will to 'please never treat him like that again'

Like what? Like rescheduling plans? Like choosing SB over him? Like texting instead of talking? like going 2 days without seeing him upon coming home?

I swamp that I was feeling so angry and anxious about talking to him that I thought it was better to wait...but it looked like I was blowing him off to get laid

I swamp that I fucking live with him and support him - what was the crime of wanting to spend an extra night with my lover?!!!

I swamp we have plans with friends and company the next 2 nights

I swamp this old gross feeling of 'being a bad girl who did something wrong and now I am going to have to pay'

Maybe this is why I don't think the Being a Bad Girl Game is fun